14 Reasons Why I’m Childfree
Here’s what this article is not:
An argument against having children
An argument for being childfree
A tirade against parents and children
I am also not saying that parents can’t share my feelings on some reasons or that they can’t achieve certain things just because they have kids.
This is only a simple sharing of my personal reasons why I don’t and won’t have children. I’m not trying to justify this choice- in fact, I feel very lucky that I don’t really have any pressure to have kids (thanks mom and dad!). I think I’ve been ‘beat of my own drum’ enough my whole life that people who know me aren’t surprised by another alternative choice.
I do occasionally get parents, hopeful parents, and others asking me why though and I’m happy to talk about it. This decision is lately becoming more widespread and normalized, but I think every counterculture perspective should still be shared to help others work out their own feelings and figure out what they want to do with their lives. It’s still common to share that you’re childfree and have people ignore, belittle, or scorn your very big, very real life choice.
To clear up another misconception about childfree folks: I don’t hate kids. I think they can be cute, fascinating, educational, and humans at their best. Many good friends of mine have had children and I am happy to see them excited for their journey, to discover the wonderful parents that they are, and to meet the incredible little humans they create.
I also am a big fan of ‘the youth’ and think they have a lot of exciting things to bring into the world. I hope I never resent a generation just for being younger than me, but instead always be open to what they have to teach me.
The truth is, children just aren’t really part of my everyday world. My friends’ kids sometimes guest star, but it’s usually a novelty and a bizarre thing to try to interact with. Once I was talking to a new friend and their toddler ran up behind me and grasped my hand. As I felt the tiny fingers close around my own, my first thought was-and this is not a joke- ‘ghost!’ And I don’t even believe in ghosts. But apparently I believe in ghosts more than I believe in children.
While there are certainly aspects of having children that I don’t like, I do understand (to the best of my ability) what a beautiful thing it can be. Evolutionarily speaking, having kids is the whole point of our existence. When I was younger and thought children were inevitable, I would tell myself having one was the ‘full human experience.’ What a powerful thing to go through- creating and nurturing life. Not just the human experience, but something that connects us with other animals in the most primordial and pure way.
And yet, perhaps another ‘full human experience’ is the ability to rise above our own evolution. To be able to consciously make the choice to not reproduce, to stand up against this drive and chart a different course than the one nature has plotted for hundreds of thousands of years…..it's rather full of mystery and wonder, no? Maybe that’s why it’s a choice that upsets some, the unknowing of what that choice can mean.
So, without further ado, and with the assurance I still like you and your kids, here’s why my womb remains barren, with little tumbleweeds peacefully blowing across it:
1. I don’t want kids.
This one is anti-climatic but really the list could stop here. I, nor anyone else, needs any other reason. I believe that to bring a child into this world, that child should be so strongly desired, any other possibility is unthinkable. They should not be a mistake, an afterthought, or born out of obligation, boredom, or self-fulfillment. They should be had for their own sake, with all the weight of what they mean being understood and the answer a resounding ‘yes!’
As a child, I played with dolls, but always imagined myself as the young, hip babysitter, maybe someone who would slide through the door of a sitcom living room to a round of applause. I nurtured my dolls, but was not a mother to them. Once I grew into a young adult, I still assumed a kid would be a thing in my future, but didn’t have my heart in it. I kept waiting for the ticking clock or ‘maternal instinct’ to kick in, when in reality, it turns out that maternal instinct doesn’t actually exist.
Nothing has ever made me want to have kids and not having them is something that makes me happy. All of the following reasons would be moot if this was something I truly wanted. That simple.
2. I think there are too many people in the world.
Despite what Elon Musk or any other slimy capitalist overlord looking to pressure the masses into making more cheap labor says, we are not at a population crisis. In fact, as we look at where birth rates are declining around the world, what leaders and the rich are saying is not that we need more people, it’s that we need more people of our own nationality.
This is bananas to me because obviously on the other hand we have the beautifully complementary problem of too much global immigration and yet leaders would rather pour billions into (unsuccessfully) bribing their own citizens into reproducing than create infrastructure and support for a more-than-willing population replacement. Of course, this wades into the sticky matters of racism, xenophobia, and the perceived ‘legacy’ of creating your own generation of homogenous countrymen, which is all very gross and embarrassing.
So personally, I would like to see less people in the world. On the simplest level, fewer people in the places I want to be, not crowding up cities, not taking up homes, not standing in line in front of me. Be the change you want to see, right? By taking my own line out of the equation, I can clear up a little space for someone else in the future.
The only kind of kid I’ll ever have
3. I want to reduce my environmental impact.
I live off-grid, in a minimalist tiny home, conserving much of my resource use to a fraction of the amount of many of my peers …..yet still, being an American means living in an consumptive environment that uses up a vastly disproportionate amount of resources.
“ ‘A child born in the United States will create thirteen times as much ecological damage over the course of his or her lifetime than a child born in Brazil,’ reports the Sierra Club’s Dave Tilford, adding that the average American will drain as many resources as 35 natives of India and consume 53 times more goods and services than someone from China.” ~Scientific American
Americans make up only 5% of the global population but produce half the world’s waste. Driving a truck (that tows my home) and taking a few flights a year means that despite my environmental conscientiousness, I still contribute plenty of emissions. But not having a child means that whatever I do in my own life, I am not passing on any further impact through potential generations. Here’s a comparison of annual personal emissions, from an Environmental Research study:
Having one fewer child- an average for developed countries of 58.6 tonnes CO2-equivalent (tCO2e) emission reductions per year
Living car-free - 2.4 tCO2e saved per year
Avoiding airplane travel- 1.6 tCO2e saved per roundtrip transatlantic flight
Eating a plant-based diet- 0.8 tCO2e saved per year
Now, there is a counter-argument to this study, which is that you can’t assume your children will have the same emissions impact as you because future government regulations will restrict and reduce their personal pollution. I hope this is the case, but to be honest, I’m not willing to completely trust government action when it comes to climate change, especially the U.S. We are slow, to say the least (it’s also worth noting that the counter-argument was put forth by a charity broker for entrepreneurs, not a government or scientific organization).
All that being said, the most emissions are coming from corporations, not someone yearning for a child. I don’t blame the state of the environment on anyone having a kid and they should not feel guilty. This is just a point that brings me comfort and is true to my heart.
4. I don’t want to experience pregnancy or birth.
Moms, or anyone who went through pregnancy, mad respect to you. That shit is scary. It’s actually not just scary, it’s life-threatening and physically life-changing in a way that is still not talked about enough, though thankfully more moms are sharing their experiences. It’s hard for me not to see the whole thing as a kind of trauma-inducing parasitic body horror.
I also find the potential aftermath of giving birth to be horrifying- painful recovery, painful breastfeeding (if you can at all), postpartum depression, incontinence, anything having to do with the word 'prolapse', and so on and so forth. Besides all the extreme bodily changes, pregnancy also causes lasting changes in your brain, reworking your cognitive abilities and changing your priorities. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I sorta like the way my brain is now.
For many, the positives of pregnancy outweigh the negatives, but for someone who doesn’t feel called to have kids in the first place, it’s an easy pass.
All this to say is that women who go through this process are incredibly strong and need all the support and high-quality medical care we can provide for them.
5. I am on the path to early financial independence
Mr. Dirtbag Daoist and I have been a part of the FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) movement since 2017, with the goal to hit full financial freedom before we turn 40 (meaning that we wouldn’t need to work anymore if we didn’t want to). After years of hard work, an aggressive savings rate, and a low-budget (but still very fun!) lifestyle, we are very close to this goal.
Kids obviously would throw a bit of a wrench into the whole thing, what with their needs, and wants, and such. I actually don’t think kids need to cost as much as advertised, especially with college turning out to be a not-so-great investment, but still, they would be a big hit to our savings and budget that has been lovingly crafted to be just enough for the two of us (well, three with our dog, Kipling and he certainly has plenty of his own expenses).
6. I want to give my love and resources to people that already exist
Stick with me on this analogy, but, if people were trash (stick with me!) I want to reuse and recycle. Why buy new when you have a perfectly good person already here? Or to get out of this metaphor, why give birth when there are some many wonderful people who already exist that you can create a chosen family with. Our attention and time is limited and the truth is that we cannot give everything to everyone.
Depending on who you talk to, both having children or being childfree can be labeled as either a selfish or selfless decision. Personally, I see both choices as neither selfish or selfless, just as different ways to channel nurturing to different people. I could create my own person to pour care into, or I could invest that care wholly into friends, family, community, or people in need. Either way is valid.
7. There’s no guarantee my kid would be awesome
Sure, I like to think that I’d be a good parent and I have ideas about how I would try to raise up a kind, thoughtful, empathetic human. Chances are, I’d probably be able to put at least a half-decent person out into the world.
But the reality is that so many different factors go into making a human who they are and a parent’s influence is only one of them. That’s a lot of work and investment to put into an unknown. Mr. Dirtbag Daoist once expressed his greatest fear about the risk of having a kid: “What if they’re not funny??”
8. I like silence
Like, really like silence. It’s a finite resource that is too often taken for granted and missing from our lives. Since living out on public wilderness lands, I’ve grown to become even more fond of it, letting the sweet nothingness of silence buzz in my ears and roll around in my brain.
Not every kid is a screamer, but there’s no denying that with children comes a cacophony throughout their youth. Crying, questioning, babbling, the repetitive torture of children’s media…these are all things I dread and do my best to avoid, along with traffic noise, background TV, and yard machinery.
I also really, really like sleep but since that sort of goes hand in hand with silence, I’ll tack it on to this reason.
9. The emotional attachment seems too intense
I’ve heard that having a child is like having “your heart outside your body.” What a powerful, beautiful sentiment.
And also, how horrifying. Let’s get that heart right back behind those ribs where it belongs. Jesus.
I know if I had a child, I would care deeply about its well-being and happiness, as all parents should. But I think that care could easily become anxiety, a deep gnawing anxiety that keeps me up at night and makes my own quality of life poorer. Those who know me personally know how much I fret over my dog’s happiness and I don’t need that notched up to 1000 (to be fair, the dog has resting sad face).
I think a lot of parents might say this ingrained worry is the selfless part of having kids, and while I agree to an extent, when it’s over something you yourself created, it seems self-inflicted. Parenthood is practically defined as a one-way street of intense emotion that borders on all-consuming, especially if something does happen to your child. I admire those that bear this burden but ultimately think I am more content without it.
10. I like my relationship the way it is
Truth be told, Mr. Dirtbag Daoist and I have a good thing going! Yes, there’s a possibility that having a kid could bring us closer together than ever before, but there’s no doubt that children are a stressor. A 2021 University of Born study showed that “Relationship satisfaction is lower for parents than for non-parents……..the more children a couple has, the less likely they are to feel satisfied with their relationship.”
I’ve seen a lot of instances where suddenly a ‘default’ parent and the child become a team and the other parent is left out. I really like being a team with my partner and want to save my time and energy for him.
And though the sample size was small, both Mr. DD and I couldn’t help but notice that most of the happiest couples we knew growing up were childfree.
11. I believe in voluntary euthanasia
Okay, this might sound like a weird one, but hear me out. One common argument for having kids is to create your very own elder care providers. While I think this idea can be lovely, especially in cultures where elders are still treated as part of the community, the reality is that there is no guarantee that having kids means they’ll take care of you when you’re old.
Especially in the U.S, where attitudes towards aging and death are fearful and embracing it is taboo, I think we should be relying less on the likelihood of younger generations coming to the rescue when we can no longer take care of ourselves and instead be able to take control of our own fate and employ merciful timing of death, as we do our pets.
While not widespread or easily accepted yet, I hope that with fewer children to rely on, voluntary euthanasia can become more of a discussion, with thoughtful, ethical practices being put in place. If given the chance to live a very long life, it is the end I would choose for myself.
12. I want to keep my own childlike wonder
Now, seeing the world anew is one thing kids are great for, with their curious and questioning little minds. But I’m a big believer that there’s no rule of being an adult that says that magical wonder has to disappear as you age. Sure, people naturally get bogged down with work and responsibilities and they only have the time and energy for the logistics of reality.
But you can control this progression! If we reject many of the trappings of society that require constant maintenance (an expensive house, prestige items, a high-powered job), you’ll find that the responsibilities that weigh you down are much more manageable and you can spend time watching clouds, chasing rainbows, and asking frivolous questions. Some might see this as silly and selfish, but I would argue that being in tune with our reality the way we were as children is one of the most important things we can maintain. It means we are actually seeing things the way they are and not glossed over the way experienced brains are wont to do.
Kids can be a shortcut to this worldview, but it’s something inside all of us. If I don’t have children, I also have less responsibility and the increased ability to treasure our reality through my own eyes, not someone else’s.
13. The majority of my friends are childfree
Now this is an unusual situation, but I think it is the result of choosing an alternative lifestyle. I’m surrounded by people who are committed to living very intentional, adventurous lives and those lives often don’t have space for also raising children.
It not only makes my own decision easier, but means a lot of my friend interactions are adult-based and very chill. We are able to focus on each other without distraction and have deep conversations and spontaneous adventures. As per my reason #6, we can also put time and support into each other that might have otherwise gone to childcare.
That being said, I also have a large number of friends with kids and spending time with them is a joy all the same. They tend to be laid back parents who encourage fun and thoughtfulness in their kids and I love seeing how well they are bringing up the next generation. In my age group, most of the kids are babies and toddlers, so I’m excited to see how all of our relationships evolve as the kids grow up (and become new potential friends too!).
14. I got 99 goals but the kid ain’t one
Guys, I have A LOT I want to do. I’ve already accomplished many things I’m proud of in my 35 years, but the world is such a big place brimming with options. Constant creation, limitless learning, and endless exploration are all pillars of my life and the only finish line is death.
I want to accomplish my own goals, not push them back because I had kids, and then hope the kids in turn accomplish what I could not. Like I said, I don’t think having or not having kids is selfish, but I do think it’s selfish to have kids and then push them to be an extension of yourself. People deserve their own hopes and dreams and that shouldn’t be dictated by what parents want and also shouldn’t go away once you reach reproductive age.
I cherish being able to do whatever I want, when I want. I could live multiple, very different lives in the time it takes to raise a child. While one of those life options could be as a dedicated mom, for me personally, it just doesn’t compete with other goals in terms of effort and payoff.
I once heard someone say something along the lines of, ‘having a kid will be the most meaningful, fulfilling thing you do…..unless you do something else.’ I am truly very happy for people whose kids are the best thing that happened to them. But there’s not really a way to compare what life could have been like without them. Of course you have some idea before you have kids, but life is long and so full of possibilities….there’s no saying what marvelous turn it could take otherwise.
So these are my reasons why I’m childfree. It’s truly a decision I’m in love with and feel grateful for everyday. This choice is my commitment to living authentically and a celebration of the myriad ways in which we can find purpose, joy, and love. Ultimately, the best choice for any of us is the one that leads to a life well-lived, on our own terms.
